I promise that not everything in my life is sad. It just seems that I am most compelled to write when sad things are happening. This has been an eventful and difficult year. My baby was admitted to the hospital after she stopped breathing. While she was in the hospital, I found out that my dad was being tested for cancer.
This was the beginning of my new life. I've always loved R.E.M.'s "It's the End of the World as We Know it." Well, it has been very fitting for the last several months.
I have been busy raising a family and working to help pay for extras and fun stuff for my family. I am saving for our upcoming family Disneyland trip. We're planning to go next July or August. These goals and this little family keep me going. I get up every morning. Some days are more productive than others. Some days I feel more gratitude and joy than others.
I have beautiful children and a loving husband. I live in a wonderful country and am part of a glorious Gospel. I have everything in the world to be grateful for, and believe me, I know it!
Still, my body is struggling to stay mobile. I have a disease that is sometimes slowly and sometimes quickly wearing me down. I think of the future and am terrified. I worry for my children and my husband and am afraid they will have to care for me. I never want them to have that burden. Yet I know they would do all they could for me, as I would for them.
My dad has stage 4 cancer. He won't be cured. He could have three months. He could have five years. We have no way of knowing right now; we only know it will happen.
We all die. You could be struck dead tomorrow, walking down the block. Your heart could give out for no apparent reason. An act of God or man could end your life at any moment.
Or.... Or you might live a very long time, suffering. You might deteriorate. You might struggle through one painful day after another, each one filled with increasing agony.
Your family might have to watch, helplessly, as you wither away, not being able to do one damn thing about it.
I've heard many times that death is the price we pay for life. If it were just the act of passing from this life to the next, I would think that is a pretty fair price. An easy one to pay, all things considered. But watching my dad, the hardest working man I've ever known... watching him grow more tired, seeing the fear in his eyes, knowing that it will not likely be a quick, merciful trip to the other side, that is a hard thing to take. Knowing that he will suffer. Knowing I can't fix it as he has always tried to fix things for his family. He is not a perfect man. There are things I have hated him for. There are many more though, that I have loved him for.
He hasn't always understood me and what I needed from him. What he has understood though, is dedication. Not perfectly, but certainly whole-heartedly. No, he is not perfect, but he has loved me perfectly. He has been a mirror into my own personality. He has shown me how to give everything for what matters most. He has shown me how to pay for mistakes. He has shown me how to face consequences without self-pity.
I know, that in the end, he will show me how to die. He has shown me how to accept physical limitations while still making the most of one's abilities. He will show me how to let things go while not leaving things undone. He has shown me how to make the best of the worst in life. And in death, whether it is next month, next year, or ten years from now, he will show me that the price is worth it.
To love and to live. To provide for someone else. To make their life and their dreams possible. To know the joy of a growing family. To feel the love in a room full of laughter.
The bill is hard to pay, especially when the interest is accrued slowly, painfully. Thank God for the blessings along the way.
My body will fail me. I will fight it. I will do all that I can to stave it off. I will make the most of every opportunity that I have to live life fully. When it does catch up with me though, I hope I will make my dad proud with the humility, faith, and submission I show to the Lord's will.
My time with my family is precious. I hope they know that. We take it for granted that they will always be around, just a phone call away.
This year I am working to appreciate them more, to make a better effort. Together, we, along with the good Lord, will help our dad to pay his final debt. Maybe it's a little melodramatic, but still it is true. We will be united and we will see each other through.
Then, one beautiful day, I look forward to perfect, heavenly bodies, without pain or disease. These promises help me out of bed every morning. These promises keep me from giving up or giving in. These wonderful, sacred promises motivate me to try, just a little harder, to work, just a little harder, to love just a little more deeply and to give, just a little more freely.
The family that I love will be united again, but this time we will have nothing to focus on but love and happiness, and a lot of great memories. Knowing that all that is waiting on the other side, makes the journey ahead much more bearable, the pain a little less acute.
I love my family, for all their crazy, dramatic, vigilante beauty. I can't say I'm grateful for my trials, but I am grateful for the good that comes from them. Even if sometimes it's hard to see at first.
PS. Please don't watch me too closely. There are days I am not optimistic, positive, or even willing to get out of bed. I'm grateful for the regular deposits the Lord puts into my account that make up where I lack. :)
This was the beginning of my new life. I've always loved R.E.M.'s "It's the End of the World as We Know it." Well, it has been very fitting for the last several months.
I have been busy raising a family and working to help pay for extras and fun stuff for my family. I am saving for our upcoming family Disneyland trip. We're planning to go next July or August. These goals and this little family keep me going. I get up every morning. Some days are more productive than others. Some days I feel more gratitude and joy than others.
I have beautiful children and a loving husband. I live in a wonderful country and am part of a glorious Gospel. I have everything in the world to be grateful for, and believe me, I know it!
Still, my body is struggling to stay mobile. I have a disease that is sometimes slowly and sometimes quickly wearing me down. I think of the future and am terrified. I worry for my children and my husband and am afraid they will have to care for me. I never want them to have that burden. Yet I know they would do all they could for me, as I would for them.
My dad has stage 4 cancer. He won't be cured. He could have three months. He could have five years. We have no way of knowing right now; we only know it will happen.
We all die. You could be struck dead tomorrow, walking down the block. Your heart could give out for no apparent reason. An act of God or man could end your life at any moment.
Or.... Or you might live a very long time, suffering. You might deteriorate. You might struggle through one painful day after another, each one filled with increasing agony.
Your family might have to watch, helplessly, as you wither away, not being able to do one damn thing about it.
I've heard many times that death is the price we pay for life. If it were just the act of passing from this life to the next, I would think that is a pretty fair price. An easy one to pay, all things considered. But watching my dad, the hardest working man I've ever known... watching him grow more tired, seeing the fear in his eyes, knowing that it will not likely be a quick, merciful trip to the other side, that is a hard thing to take. Knowing that he will suffer. Knowing I can't fix it as he has always tried to fix things for his family. He is not a perfect man. There are things I have hated him for. There are many more though, that I have loved him for.
He hasn't always understood me and what I needed from him. What he has understood though, is dedication. Not perfectly, but certainly whole-heartedly. No, he is not perfect, but he has loved me perfectly. He has been a mirror into my own personality. He has shown me how to give everything for what matters most. He has shown me how to pay for mistakes. He has shown me how to face consequences without self-pity.
I know, that in the end, he will show me how to die. He has shown me how to accept physical limitations while still making the most of one's abilities. He will show me how to let things go while not leaving things undone. He has shown me how to make the best of the worst in life. And in death, whether it is next month, next year, or ten years from now, he will show me that the price is worth it.
To love and to live. To provide for someone else. To make their life and their dreams possible. To know the joy of a growing family. To feel the love in a room full of laughter.
The bill is hard to pay, especially when the interest is accrued slowly, painfully. Thank God for the blessings along the way.
My body will fail me. I will fight it. I will do all that I can to stave it off. I will make the most of every opportunity that I have to live life fully. When it does catch up with me though, I hope I will make my dad proud with the humility, faith, and submission I show to the Lord's will.
My time with my family is precious. I hope they know that. We take it for granted that they will always be around, just a phone call away.
This year I am working to appreciate them more, to make a better effort. Together, we, along with the good Lord, will help our dad to pay his final debt. Maybe it's a little melodramatic, but still it is true. We will be united and we will see each other through.
Then, one beautiful day, I look forward to perfect, heavenly bodies, without pain or disease. These promises help me out of bed every morning. These promises keep me from giving up or giving in. These wonderful, sacred promises motivate me to try, just a little harder, to work, just a little harder, to love just a little more deeply and to give, just a little more freely.
The family that I love will be united again, but this time we will have nothing to focus on but love and happiness, and a lot of great memories. Knowing that all that is waiting on the other side, makes the journey ahead much more bearable, the pain a little less acute.
I love my family, for all their crazy, dramatic, vigilante beauty. I can't say I'm grateful for my trials, but I am grateful for the good that comes from them. Even if sometimes it's hard to see at first.
PS. Please don't watch me too closely. There are days I am not optimistic, positive, or even willing to get out of bed. I'm grateful for the regular deposits the Lord puts into my account that make up where I lack. :)
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